Home for the Holidays

It's always an ordeal going to see my family for their gatherings. They're good people, they try to entertain me, and they're even amusing in the weirdest ways. Take this example...

My grandfather has macular degeneration and has lost probably 80% of his eyesight, so everyone does their best to help him still be able to do the things he loves -- albeit blindly. A few weeks ago, my mom showed up to find Grandpa's clothes stained with blood, his hands and arms clumsily wrapped in gauze bandages. When she asked what had happened, he explained that he was fine, he'd just been trying to filet a fish and maybe cut himself once or twice.

My grandmother's response was that he must have sliced his digits because of the poor state of his cutlery. Her solution? She bought him a fancy electric knife for Christmas.

As the entire family started chatting in hushed tones to determine who'd take Grandpa to the emergency room on his first use of this new Finger Removal System, he exclaimed, "Oh! This is great! I'm gonna chop up everything in the countryside!"

Needless to say chop up everything in the countryside became the callback joke of choice for my cousin and I all night, while the cool aunts took over the meals, banning mayonnaise "salads" and allowing mimosas at brunch for the first time. Unfortunately, the weekend was otherwise as usual. The aged told stories of their health problems, and everyone attempted to give me guilt for only showing up once a year and not wanting to take home kitschy family heirlooms that I have nowhere to display or store.

No matter how things change in a family, they're always the same. I may be related to those folks, but I can't relate to them. It makes me appreciate my chosen relations here in Seattle, my logical family (rather than biological), as Armistead Maupin put it. But when it comes down to it, I suppose I'm lucky to have both; not everyone does.

So this year, I am thankful for, and wish all good things to, all of my family members... no matter how I acquired them!